The past month and a half have been stressful. February into March seems to be a time (almost yearly) where I question what I’m doing, why I’m doing. And for somebody who likes to plan, this is stressful and disorienting. Every time. At almost 30 years, one would think I would understand this process of looking at my life without it shaking me so much. Nope.
My most recent session with my counselor was almost a month ago, but the words he left me with still ring in my ears. A saying from many 12 Steps programs – progress over perfection.
And unfortunately – or maybe fortunately – I see this in many areas of my life. I long for routine, yet desire new experiences.
In my faith, my quest for the “ideal church for me” finally concluded. Not that I found a perfect church, but in considering the idea of progress, I realized my need to be at one place. To press into a community that is imperfect (just as I am) and learn from each other, trusting God with the longer, unseen path.
Work makes me want to scream and breaks heart and brings me joy I may not find elsewhere. This job may not be ideal – but how can I continue to learn while I’m there? What can I offer to my coworkers, the students? Like many of my experiences, I don’t think I’ll understand what I’m learning until later…
And in my personal life…. I want to move from apathetic to creative & active. Instantly. Ha. Logically, I get that this isn’t possible, but my mind still wants it to happen this way. These past weeks are beginning to show me that habits take time to form, to change. There will be days that, as I lay down to sleep, I wonder why I didn’t make different decisions. And there will be days I go to sleep with a smile at the new rhythms I pressed into that day. Both are part of life. And, just maybe, both are necessary and good.
Probably more on this as I continue to press into this season of learning how to see, experience and understand the small steps as good progress rather than getting dismayed that I’m not where I’d like to be (yet).