Category Archives: dreams

Twenty-ninth

I’ve stumbled over how to start this post. And despite my hopes to make it a 2017 in review post, time has dragged on and so it is, instead, a look at all that happened during year number 29 for me. Typically, I would do this chronologically, but there are too many connected thoughts and ideas across the year…. so….

(hopefully you follow the chaos that is about to come)

  • Antioch Community – I stumbled into finding this church, and waffled around about whether or not to jump in with them. Eventually, I realized the goodness of God on Sundays, and maybe even more in my Life Group. I struggle to be fully present in community, even though I know it’s good, but these people knew (know) how to love and challenge well. Many songs, prayers (including some truth-speaking int my life and future), laughs and good conversations on life, faith and community.

lifegroup

  • Returned to monthly counseling, which transitioned to more life coaching. Still need to get better about voicing my opinions, and being okay with the messy present. (Progress is greater than perfection)
  • Working at RYSS – My job often had me frustrated at the school system or exhausted from substituting or laughing with my Latino coworkers and students. The stress of state testing, but the joy of seeing students “get it.”  My 3rd graders made leaving the school tough. They reminded me of the joy of learning, the desire to have an adult listen to their story or idea, the struggles of childhood. And I wrestled with whether or not I was supposed to move on from that school. Despite the amazing smiles and stories, something new would come for me.

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  • I realize, looking back, the importance of some consistency in reading and discussing Scripture. Whether it was reading through the Torah to get to perspective, or messaging about Proverbs or Colossians with friends far away, having that accountability and structure for reading is good. And it forced me to take time to think and ask questions about what I was reading.
  • My post-Mission Year community. What a blessing (that I didn’t always realize or acknowledge) to have other alum to live with after such an intense year. The consistency of my roommate and our conversations, drives and coffee. The joy in exploration and digging into issues with another teammate. The monthly alumni dinners we coordinated with another couple from our first year. Something that was happening, that I’m still trying to notice now, the simple goodness of “those little moments” that develop and solidify community, friendships.
  • After reading Your Other Brothers, I connected with their group of supporters. And while I was just expecting to give thoughts on future blogs or podcasts, I found myself quickly in the midst of the “Yobber” community.  Having a group of men to share the ups and downs of life with. And then I was invited to blog for them as well! This online (and sometimes in person) community has blown me away with the vulnerability and welcoming and engagement in tough conversations. Plus some good gifs.

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  • I had an open summer after quitting my job, and was introduced to the amazing organization, Love Fosters Hope. If you’re in the Houston area, check them out. Two weeks of my summer were then spent helping at their week long summer camps for children and youth in the foster care system. We ran and sang and encouraged and ate and laughed and played gaga ball and swam. The boys from my cabin the first week made me laugh so hard and confused me and broke my heart by the end of the week. To see their pain, to see their capacity to love and enjoy life in the midst of everything else that may be going on. Such incredible kids (and staff).
  • There were so. many. trips. this past year.  Started off visiting Arizona for the first time ever to surprise my friend.  Then Denver for a wedding. Spring break trip (with McKenzie) to visit Mission Year friends in Raleigh and make my first trip to the Jewel of the Blue Ridge.  With no work during the summer, I was able to take a longer vacation – Minnesota to visit CrossFire teammates and all the wonderful people I left when I moved, Kansas to be with family and meet my niece Amelia, and then Denver (again) to meet some of the authors of YOB.  Plus I got hangout in Boulder for a few days with McKenzie and her family. Made an uncharacteristically spontaneous decision to join some friends on the East Coast to watch the eclipse. And rounded out my travels with a long weekend in St Louis.
  • With the future somewhat uncertain, I tried to figure out life in Houston back in the Beulah house with a new mix of housemates (and two dogs).  There were lots of good conversations, great food, and confusion (for me) about where I should be living, what I should be doing. And just as I was getting close to a possible answer – Hurricane Harvey. So… got to experience a real hurricane and flooding with some great people, and witness neighbors and churches being authentic. But then it was on to the next journey.

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  • Asheville, NC – With little notice, two job interviews, but a place to live for up to a month, I said goodbye to Houston. Within a week, I had a job offer. The next two months would be a roller coaster. Waiting for the job to start, getting to know my friends in Asheville better, exploring the city, waiting as my start date continued to be pushed back, crazy adventures with Yobbers coming to visit – Clue movie night, bruppers, hiking Craggy Pinnacle, finding waterfalls, plenty of coffee and dancing. Finally moved into an apartment (and got a roommate) and then started working at Cambria hotel as a front desk agent.
  • As I re-read journal entries and blogs, I can’t help but see the over-arching idea of “directionless” through this year. Not enjoying my work at school, but not wanting to quit because I didn’t know what I would do next. Having community in Antioch, Beulah and Asheville, but always holding it at a distance – not sure how to be fully present or authentic. Jumping around during my summer to visit places I have been, wondering if it might give me ideas on a place or a next job. Yet, in the midst of all this confusion, there remains some sense of hope. Though I have often felt unsure of who I am, what my work is, or where I belong, I can look back an see the moments that friends and family were right. there. with. me.

So, while the next year remains pretty blank in terms of knowing what may happen, maybe I can take heart, learn a lesson from twenty-nine, and trust living as presently as I can to see this moment for what it is.

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unedited week

Tuesday – You invited me to community. I hesitantly laid aside my “wants” and enjoyed a few hours without stress. A few hours with brothers, coffee and a board game.  Uncharacteristically, I asked if we could talk on the way home. We had a brief chat about my stresses, and you prayed for me. I felt normal.

Thursday – More community. I got to share my passion for cooking for others. We all shared an evening of laughter, good food and conversations. I felt included.

Friday – Reminded of my passion for other cultures. Tougher reminder that though uncertainty makes me anxious, it is better than certainly unhealthy options.

Saturday – Got a view of the growth that has happened in me over the past year.  Started evaluating what future could be possible. Cried through some prayers.  And, I felt some amount of peace.

.

Sunday – Somehow none of the past week seemed to be tangible. At some point, the Lies crept back in. And once the Lies have started speaking, it is hard for me to get them to stop. Their words tangle up my feet and put walls over my ears to anything more logical. I felt alone and confused once again.

There are no answers yet.

Just a vulnerable mess. Still searching.

I felt like a sojourner.

1/13/17

Much has been going on these first two weeks of the new year. And thankfully, most of the happenings and thought-producers have been good (positive).  But, too many of these at the same time means that my mind is everywhere – leaving me feeling distracted, unable to focus or feel productive, and sometimes anxious.

Quick snapshot into my brain:

  • I finally admitted that although the church I’m going to currently is awesome, it may not be the best fit for me. This means searching for a new place to break bread, to be in community, to worship.
  • My work environment isn’t always healthy…and I’m still learning how to work and love there well.
  • Looking for ways/time to be creative this year – painting?, drawing, collage-ing and writing more often
  • Still having conversations and reading about race in America (check out 13th on Netflix)
  • As somebody who travels, understanding community in a local and virtual sense.
  • Asking what it means to be healthy and how I can implement that in my life
  • Have an interesting offer or two on the table for future creative projects and / or travel to consider
  • Continuing to understand what it means to be a life-long learner and reader – finding books to read, discussions to have, ways to experience / live out my faith
  • Trying? to learn Spanish
  • And, as always, trying to better understand my passions / giftings

Even typing it out caused me some stress.

But, my friend reminded me this afternoon, that it’s important to keep moving forward. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow you…. in order for them to follow, YOU need to be moving!” She’s right. While this may be overwhelming at times, it means I’m still thinking and not being stagnant.

And then this evening another friend reminded me  – You are okay.

  • I am okay where I am
  • It’s okay to have feelings
  • It’s okay to need to slow down and breathe
  • It’s okay to be confused
  • It’s okay to want something different
  • I am okay the way I am

So.

Breathe.

You are okay.

You are okay.

Breathe.

November 17 (yet)

Music by Sia or Shawn McDonald

The blog posts by Your Other Brothers

The BlackLivesMatter movement

X-Men First Class

At first (or even fifth) glance, these things have nothing in common.  And maybe that’s true for most people.  But for me, they have something deeply in common.

In each of these, I see meaningful, authentic dreams being lived out.  Creatively, actively sharing stories, songs, lives that need to be shared.  Not caring about the political correctness, the “right” way to share these stories – just knowing, caring, believing that they are worth sharing, worth dreaming, worth fighting for.

Recently I’ve been realizing that while I can notice this around me, I still haven’t figured it out (or even a starting point) within me.  I don’t know what story needs to be told. Or how I would go about telling it.  Or what dreams are stirring in my head and heart.

There is more to say – I can feel it. But I cannot put words to it.

yet.