Tuesday – You invited me to community. I hesitantly laid aside my “wants” and enjoyed a few hours without stress. A few hours with brothers, coffee and a board game. Uncharacteristically, I asked if we could talk on the way home. We had a brief chat about my stresses, and you prayed for me. I felt normal.
Thursday – More community. I got to share my passion for cooking for others. We all shared an evening of laughter, good food and conversations. I felt included.
Friday – Reminded of my passion for other cultures. Tougher reminder that though uncertainty makes me anxious, it is better than certainly unhealthy options.
Saturday – Got a view of the growth that has happened in me over the past year. Started evaluating what future could be possible. Cried through some prayers. And, I felt some amount of peace.
Sunday – Somehow none of the past week seemed to be tangible. At some point, the Lies crept back in. And once the Lies have started speaking, it is hard for me to get them to stop. Their words tangle up my feet and put walls over my ears to anything more logical. I felt alone and confused once again.
There are no answers yet.
Just a vulnerable mess. Still searching.
I felt like a sojourner.
Much has been going on these first two weeks of the new year. And thankfully, most of the happenings and thought-producers have been good (positive). But, too many of these at the same time means that my mind is everywhere – leaving me feeling distracted, unable to focus or feel productive, and sometimes anxious.
Quick snapshot into my brain:
- I finally admitted that although the church I’m going to currently is awesome, it may not be the best fit for me. This means searching for a new place to break bread, to be in community, to worship.
- My work environment isn’t always healthy…and I’m still learning how to work and love there well.
- Looking for ways/time to be creative this year – painting?, drawing, collage-ing and writing more often
- Still having conversations and reading about race in America (check out 13th on Netflix)
- As somebody who travels, understanding community in a local and virtual sense.
- Asking what it means to be healthy and how I can implement that in my life
- Have an interesting offer or two on the table for future creative projects and / or travel to consider
- Continuing to understand what it means to be a life-long learner and reader – finding books to read, discussions to have, ways to experience / live out my faith
- Trying? to learn Spanish
- And, as always, trying to better understand my passions / giftings
Even typing it out caused me some stress.
But, my friend reminded me this afternoon, that it’s important to keep moving forward. “Surely goodness and mercy will follow you…. in order for them to follow, YOU need to be moving!” She’s right. While this may be overwhelming at times, it means I’m still thinking and not being stagnant.
And then this evening another friend reminded me – You are okay.
- I am okay where I am
- It’s okay to have feelings
- It’s okay to need to slow down and breathe
- It’s okay to be confused
- It’s okay to want something different
- I am okay the way I am
You are okay.
You are okay.
Music by Sia or Shawn McDonald
The blog posts by Your Other Brothers
The BlackLivesMatter movement
X-Men First Class
At first (or even fifth) glance, these things have nothing in common. And maybe that’s true for most people. But for me, they have something deeply in common.
In each of these, I see meaningful, authentic dreams being lived out. Creatively, actively sharing stories, songs, lives that need to be shared. Not caring about the political correctness, the “right” way to share these stories – just knowing, caring, believing that they are worth sharing, worth dreaming, worth fighting for.
Recently I’ve been realizing that while I can notice this around me, I still haven’t figured it out (or even a starting point) within me. I don’t know what story needs to be told. Or how I would go about telling it. Or what dreams are stirring in my head and heart.
There is more to say – I can feel it. But I cannot put words to it.