Recent Thoughts

Posted on by kevzimm26

There were several drafts with quotes or ideas that I want to do more pondering or research on, but I had left to collecting digital dust on this blog.  So I’ve decided to throw them all together in a brief, non-connected post.  Hopefully one of them connects with you, or causes you to do some pondering as well.

20190809_135831

A morning prayer awhile back included the following:

You lift the lowly and humble the proud : to feed us together at Your table.

For me, it is easy to think of one or the other in this, and similar statements. God lifts up the lowly. Humility marks a Christ-follower.  And when we / I get proud and overly independent, that is the most common time to trip. It is hard to learn, to love, to connect when I am prideful.

The beautiful truth spoken here is that the raising up and the humbling, yes, brings us closer to God.  But also it brings us closer to each other. We are brought to a level place at THE table. Sharing a meal, looking in each other’s eyes, existing together.

(Which reminds me of a song by Josh Garrels)

A friend on Twitter retweeted the following from @akiltykramer:
In a seminar for grad students today on surviving grad school, the professor suggested that we should remember that the fellow grad students in our cohort are our competitors. No. Don’t do that. Cultivate friendships, support each other, commiserate w/ and cheer for each other.
How often throughout education are we taught to “be THE best” rather than be our best? For grad school, yes, I understand that your peers will “compete” for jobs that you may want. But, isn’t there space to challenge one another in a healthy way to bring out the best in all?  Maybe it’s just choice of wording, or how these verbs are interpreted.
Taking this back to elementary school, what would it look like to have our young scholars “compete” in a mutually beneficial way? I’m not against grades. I am cautious of the stress placed on state testing.
I think students want to hear “job well done!” And there should be space for that.
I am reading Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer.
For the fourth? fifth? time.  Because knowing myself, and the community I’m living in and God and where the passions given to me are leading…. it’s difficult work.  But more on that in another post.
For now, the quote that I’m currently chewing on:
“self care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
What a novel idea.  I can push myself to keep pouring out.  I can give 100% at work and in friendships. But when I neglect being filled, that will start to drain me.  I offer my best to others only when I am at my best as well.
Here’s to tea time and good music and walks in nature and chats with long-distance friends!

And one more song, because music conveys my emotions better than I do most of the time.

Oh Spirit can you hear my soul’s cry?
I don’t wanna walk alone, I want to believe
‘Cause I am losing hope
As love will speak to me
Can you hear my call? Can I have a sign?
‘Cause I am losing hope
Yeah, on my darkest night
I got a feeling you’re out there

Ten Years

Posted on by kevzimm26

Ten years ago I returned from a summer in Yaounde, Cameroon.

10519000_874614314818_1110660847595562667_n

There are several crazy aspects to that statement.

  1. I am old enough to have strong memories from a decade ago.
  2. I spent a summer in West Africa…. when I was 21.
  3. I had never met anybody that I traveled with.
  4. The impact of that summer and that team…. but I am getting ahead of myself.

So how in the world did I end up in Cameroon?  Throughout college, I had gotten more and more connected with Cru, and after an incredible time at the winter conference, applied for, and was accepted to join one of their summer trips.  I remember the directors of our trip asking us to pray for unity (this was before I knew that the team was 13 students from 12 universities).

As far as the summer goes, you can read more about the struggles of it here and some of the amazing Jesus and community moments here.

Those six weeks in Cameroon were fertile soil for me to grow.  It opened my eyes and mind to a bigger understanding of the world, my faith, and community.  The students and staff I met in Cameroon possessed so much joy and passion.  And, despite my tendency to rush and “be on time,” I fell in love with a place where it was the norm to be present with people and conversations.

The other Americans that were on that team.. became some dear friends.  I hesitated in calling them as such, but there is definite truth to that naming. Near the end of the trip one of my teammates shared that “God has placed us together for a specific reason — that the times, stories, and experiences we share are beneficial for each other.” Could we make sense of knowing each other for just six weeks and the work God did in, through and around us? At the end of our summer, none of us knew how much, or even if,  we would see each other.

But we did.  Several of us made a trip to meet up at music festival that fall.  One of the guys did a long distance study of 1&2 Timothy with me. And small groups of us ended up at the same fall and winter retreats for Cru throughout college.

Honestly, it would make sense if that was where the connections ended.  We shared a great summer, and luckily met up at some retreats during college.  But some ties run thick. As teammates got married, wedding invites came and meet ups happened.  When our five year anniversary came, a group of us got together.  As life twisted and turned, I ended up in Minneapolis at the same time that two of my teammates were living in the Twin Cities as well!

And earlier this year, we shared the most recent wedding.  A conveniently timed way for us to gather for a ten year anniversary of sorts.  It still boggles my mind that we could reconnect so easily.  Not just sharing stories from Cameroon, but getting into the joys and pains that come with being adults. Maybe the base of authenticity solidifies over time.

I don’t want to get overly sentimental.  But goodness, those teammates, the people I met in Cameroon are great. Know that I love you plenty.  Be African Always.  Take a moment to remember that summer.  And may we all strive to cultivate authentic friendships.

.

.

Because, you can only take the best photos with the best people.

18047_717700580291_1722061_n

Though

Posted on by kevzimm26

Where do I start?

This will likely not be a fun / happy post.  Rather, I am messily processing the fact that life is messy.

This calendar year has not been easy.  Friends have drifted apart around me. My work at a newly opened hotel often felt chaotic.  There have been difficult conversations at the house where I live. My future – job, career, city – have been uncertain several times.

Early in the year I tried connecting with churches.  And at three separate churches I reached out.  “I’m a young, single guy who wants to connect to other Christians in this city.  But I work on Sundays, so can you connect me with a group in your church?” And three times my reachings fell flat.

God, where are you in this?  The chaos of my inner life, my relationships weigh me down. I feel like I’m trying to find You and community.  Why do I keep running into barriers?

Continuing to work at the hotel seemed unmanageable, but there was no obvious alternative job or career/college to pursue.

I didn’t necessarily want to stay in Asheville past the current lease, but no city stood out as a place to move.

My desire for Christian community existed, but the energy was failing.

My hope for goodness – in the city, for community, at a church, with a meaningful work  – that hope grew dim.

Around this time I took a weekend off for a wedding. During that weekend, I was reminded of the goodness of community.  A small push to keep hope from college friends. And a connection to one more church in Asheville.

But that goodness only lasted so long.  Quickly, I found myself lost in the confusion and indecisions of my life.

In the midst of this confusion, came another weekend away.  A retreat into the mountains with guys from the  Your Other Brothers community.  Little did I know how much I needed this weekend, how much God wanted to do this weekend.

My desire to keep peace led to almost zero time or energy to process anything for myself. And my lack of church community meant that, without realizing it, I’d become very spiritually empty and had forgotten how to hear Truth.

Being in this YOBBERS retreat community who desired to love and connect and support one another throughout the weekend pushed against some of the walls I’d built over the past year.

As I continued to chat with other brothers, more and more came up. I deserved space to yell, to grieve, to lament. God knows my heart and isn’t afraid of my emotions (even if I am).

That weekend, those guys, challenged me.

In the days, weeks, months since the retreat I have read Habakkuk so many times.  Three chapters of crying out to God.  Speaking out about injustices (1:2-4).  Wondering where God is in all of this world(1:13-17).  Seemingly futile waiting on a response(2:1).

And three verses of hope at the end.

Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
    to come on the nation invading us.
Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

The power of “yet” and “though” in this book.

Though Habakkuk sees calamity.

Though food and drink may seem scarce. Though careers may fail.  Though injustices abound.

YET.

No matter those circumstances, Habakkuk’s conclusion is to rejoice in the Lord.

Seriously?!?  I am supposed to come back to the Lord in rejoice and praise in the midst of this confusion.  When my work exhausts me and there is no future for me in that career? And even when relationships are failing?

Yes.

Because the Lord is faithful.  Our God is just and true and our strength.

As I continued to live life, I would return to Habakkuk, crying out to God about the confusion in my life.  Sharing the pains I had felt, still felt, and needed to process.

I reached out in a “final” attempt at church in this city.  And finally felt a reach back.

As roommates talked about the future, one decided to move out at the end of the lease. A more physical awareness of impending loss.

Processing and continuing to connect with guys from the retreat encouraged my slow forward motion. Gave me space to even encourage others.  But also opened the door for shouldering other’s hurts.

Including one of my fellow author’s dealing with the death of his grandfather.  His pain tangible when we spoke.

And yet, I was reminded shortly after of a song he and I shared after the retreat:

I will praise You on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way
You’re the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You’re the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same

There are no definite answers.  I readily admit that I don’t deeply understand much of what I have begun to share about in this post.  I still journey through scripture, journey through prayer and conversation, trying to make sense of this world, this life.

Somehow there is hope.

Even though friendships fall apart.  Though my career may change.  Though miles separate friends and families.  Though loved ones die.  Though community feels distant.

Yet I am, we are, called to rejoice in the Lord.

Do not let this diminish the pain, the confusion.  Cry out.  Yell about the injustices, the anger, the hurt.

.

May we feel these hurts.  May we have people with whom we can share hurts and tears and confusion. May we bring them all to Our Lord.  May we wait expectantly.  May we praise and thank in the YET of this life.

tradition

Posted on by kevzimm26

As I sip my green tea this morning, my devotional talks about traditions and I am instantly transported back in time to the days of “tea time” with my grandma.

My grandma and grandpa had several beautiful tea sets from visiting my uncle in the various countries he was stationed overseas.  At some point during my childhood, these sets attracted my attention, and tea time was born.

When I visited my grandparent’s house, I would pick the flavor, and my grandma would prepare the tea. Then she, I and sometimes others would enjoy small cups of tea, occasionally a homemade cookie, and conversation.

Traditions. There seems to be something almost sacred about them. Holy moments if we allow ourselves to see them.

Sometimes a tradition creates itself, other times you are brought into a tradition by another.

And so my mind wanders to other moments.

Our “famous” Christmas cookies.  Every December my mom rolling out dozens and dozens of sugar cookies that my brothers and I (and various others throughout the years) would help cut into festive shapes.  And later gathering to frost and decorate those cookies – to the Alvin & the Chipmunks Christmas tape.  The laughter in those moments and the joy shared over those cookies.

The unintentional tradition of Wheel of Fortune. My love for this show, and word puzzles, likely comes from watching it all the time as a family growing up.  As I got older, joking how any pair from my family would absolutely win if we got on the show.  Even now, when I return home there is an expectation on my part that The Wheel will be on around dinner.

As I return to the present, I wonder about what traditions my life currently holds.

My roommates and I go to a specific trivia night every week. It felt silly the first time or two that I joined, especially since I’m not great at trivia. But this is becoming a place to connect amidst busy schedules.  To meet fellow wanderers in Asheville.

Coffee shops on my days off. Taking one morning each week to enjoy some local coffee or tea, listen to a podcast or journal. It’s a rhythm becoming tradition.

And while I support new ideas, creativity, challenging ourselves, part of me longs for the traditions, the rhythms, the expected.

May I hold those moments past as treasured.

May I make space for the traditions that are being created.

May we all appreciate the holy in these moments, and make room for tea time.

Into the Thirties

Posted on by kevzimm26

WOW. So this took longer than I expected. Nevertheless, I felt some sort of recap would be useful.  With that in mind, here are 30 events, moments, quotes or lessons from year number thirty.

  1. Early on in the year, the guys here in Asheville had discussions about community.  We have all had some great friendships formed online. But is that enough? How do we bring some of that goodness into real life? These conversations continued throughout the year, but this was the beginning of a need to recognize the importance of communication… maybe even over communication at times.
  2. I set some goals for myself just after my birthday. Some of them were overly ambitious perhaps, but I wanted to push myself. Within a couple of weeks I forgot about most of these “goals” for myself. Why?
  3. One of those goals was to get plugged into a church. Isn’t it strange, this idea of finding a church? I tried for a couple months going to a Saturday evening service. Jesus was/is working there, but I found it difficult to fully connect and engage with a group that was my parents’ age and older.
  4. Despite difficult situations, and goals feeling unfulfilled, sometimes the best thing to do is let loose and live in the moment. One evening I brought back some dry ice from work, my friends bought some glow sticks, and we had a “rave” in our apartment. Just let loose and enjoy life Kevin!!
  5. The hotel I worked at struggled to maintain full staff at the front desk.  This put additional pressure, even during the slow winter months.20180331_075231
  6. In relation to #5, as early as mid-February I began questioning my place in hotels and hospitality in general. Do I want to be in a job where coworkers are constantly in flux? Is my work fulfilling enough? Could I supplement work with volunteering to balance out my passions? Questions that would be asked….for most of the year.
  7. Sometimes you just need some Netflix. If you’re looking for suggestions, some shows that I enjoyed (for a wide variety of reasons) with my housemates this past year – Miranda Hart, Penny Dreadful, The Great British Bakeoff, Terrace House, Gravity Falls.
  8. Went to a timely weekend retreat. Work and stress of life were weighing on me, so I wasn’t fully present with the group, but I desperately needed to be out of the city, back in nature with no obstructions to journaling, praying, listening.
  9. That being said, I still made connections with amazing men who loved me even though I was only 75% present. And we have stayed in touch, being an encouragement and challenge and reminder of joy for one another. #couragetribe32982076_772901597735_7111084842686611456_n
  10. “I promised to keep on going but maybe keep on going means coming back first.”
    ― Patrick Ness, The Knife of Never Letting Go
  11. Throughout the year, I have become more aware of my proclivity to negative self talk. I may discuss this more in a future blog about the Enneagram, but it is all to common to down play myself.  I am becoming more aware of this and how to push back, let my people challenge me.
  12. The other community blog I write for, which includes people I live with, had differing views, which resulted in some authors leaving the blog.  This was,  and has been tough to process.  I think I’m still processing it.
  13. I am utterly dependent on God. So many prayers during the spring, and honestly the whole year, asking God to get me through the day, show me some silver lining.
  14. At the end of summer, I made the move from apartments to sharing a house with three other guys. Finding housing in Asheville is no small task, but we found a house, and it’s pretty neat.
  15. Did a brief stint of counseling in the fall. Some take-aways –  Anxiety and worry are based in fear; don’t believe the bullshit; its important to recognize/ communicate my emotions
  16. Lots of staff left the hotel I was working at in 2018. I didn’t realize how taxing this was on me as each person left.  Until my AGM (who hired me) and the FOM left within a week of each other. I realized that the front desk agents I enjoyed working with the most had left.
  17. “The Creator is calling us back to experience God’s love and care in the created world around us. The indigenous peoples of our own lands are the guides and theological interpreters of this long-awaited journey.”  – – Randy Woodley, Shalom and the Community of Creation
  18. The continuing up and down cycle with porn. There’s a whole post on this.20181201_071524
  19. I am a morning person. Not everybody is, but I am learning that I need to either go to my job, or out to a coffee shop or walk a trail in the morning. Otherwise my day quickly turns to mush.
  20. In September, I got outside of my tendency to isolate, and decided to run a 5k (something I enjoy) with one of my coworkers.  I was reminded of the importance of trying to engage with the community and spend time with people. And yes, it was a Superhero run.
  21. Took a quick trip to Minneapolis because two of my teammates were going to be back in the US. Such a great time catching up with them and the rest of my Minnesota family(s).
  22. “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”
    ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
  23. Joined a friend on a trip to Texas – reminded of the joy of intentional chats over coffee. Sharing hurts and growth and dreams for the future.
  24. I started working out regularly?!? My roommate had to push me initially,  but this rhythm has been so good for me.  The routine, the outlet for stress and energy – it is a good, healthy, maybe even holy thing for me.
  25. Despite my inability to make decisions, I left my hotel for a new job! At another hotel??? There was too much weight (see #16) and this new hotel connects more to the history of Asheville, the local creators – artists, chefs, musicians.
  26. In trying to understand my place in this city, my roommates and I go to trivia on Wednesday.  And while I am terrible at trivia, I have begun to enjoy Wednesday evenings.  It’s part of my weekly routine, and maybe, slowly friendships are forming with others who frequent this trivia night…
  27. That community blog I sporadically write for? They also have a podcast, and I finally made an appearance on THIS episode.
  28. Had late Thanksgiving/ early Christmas with the family back in Kansas.  Much overdo time with them, and too short of a visit, but so good to be with them.
  29. Spent some time in worship / prayer / journal at IHOPKC, followed by great conversation with a dear friend.  I need to set aside more time for solitude with Jesus, for intentional chats with friends.
  30. Gratitude is essential.  Easily I get bogged down. When I return to gratitude, it truly can change my perspective and attitude for the day.20190108_150722-1

#NoPornNovember

Posted on by kevzimm26

On November 3rd, I saw a post with #NoPornNovember.  Probably because I follow several awesome people and organizations. (Check out  FTND if you haven’t before).

Seeing the post got me thinking:

  • I hadn’t looked at porn in week, so I could still jump on the # and be supported by strangers also striving for a better/healthier life
  • My relationship with porn is…. complicated
  • But I kind of want to write about it, process it with others
  • But how will people respond? It is a rather touchy / taboo subject to talk about openly

As you are reading this, I’ve clearly decided that I don’t much care how people respond. So here we go – the raw, unedited, jumbled thoughts.

We could go back to the early days when I first started looking at porn – what up puberty! – but I’m not sure that is what this post is about.  Let’s just say I found it unexpectedly, it was confusing, but exciting, but also made me feel shame.  There was something that made me know that I “shouldn’t” talk about it (maybe this had to with the church?) (not to mention that I was looking at guys rather than girls). So I just hid it the best I could – carrying my shame.

College was a mix of highs and lows. Eventually I told some guys about my story, my struggle with porn. Result – accountability, which was good and bad. Some unhealthy pressure at times, but self started programs to help myself (I went an entire semester with my laptop at a friend’s dorm so I wouldn’t have easy access).

Why does this matter?

I’m not sure. Adult life after college produced good and bad moments, revelations and confusions.

There have been times where myself and others have used/considered the word addiction for my relationship with porn.  Maybe that is true. At times I find myself drawn to it for no reason. Usually I head to porn when I’m stressed, anxious, confused, tired – the triggering feelings most resources tell you to watch out for as you are more susceptible.

The counselor I’m seeing right now asked me if I go to porn to feel power, to be in control. My first response was no – I don’t feel powerful at all when I seek out porn. I feel weak and helpless. But maybe there is a control aspect. I can choose who/what I see. (even typing that makes me uncomfortable).

But part of me wants to reject the idea of addiction. Why? Because there are many time that I don’t need porn in my life. When porn is inaccessible, I don’t miss it. For weeks at a time when I worked at camp, or when I traveled overseas (3 months without porn). And even when I remain active and involved with my communities, there isn’t a sense of missing porn.

I’ve heard / read many times that the opposite of porn/addiction is connection. I can’t just get rid of porn – that leaves a void. I need something to take the place – both for time and whatever other “benefits” it was providing me.

This post was originally meant for November 3. Or 4. But I got busy.  I got stressed. I got tired. I gave in and ran back to porn.

WHY?!?

Maybe it’s because I do have an addiction.

Maybe I’ve just formed a habit.

Maybe I don’t deal well with stress.

Maybe I’m not letting myself connect well with others and engage with real issues.

Likely, it’s some combination of all of these things. Which makes it tough to write. I wanted to write a post about how I’ve stumbled before, but this time I am going strong. That’s not what my story looks like. I wanted to be the hope I was looking for.

I am me. The messiest version.  Messy enough that I struggle to even let myself process with other people. (several friends had to encourage me to blog). So I move forward into the rest of #NoPornNovember. Clearly I didn’t make it the full month. But maybe success for me is being honest with where I’m at, and looking at porn just this once (or twice) during a month instead of any time that I feel like it.

Here’s to our feeble attempts, to brothers and sisters who call us to something more, to Holy Spirit renewing us each moment.

Bring What You Have

Posted on by kevzimm26

This blog could have been written ten days ago.  But it wasn’t.

Over the last month or so, I found myself increasingly tired.  Tourist season has begun, which means we in the hospitality industry are busy. (And sometimes tourists have ridiculous questions / standards). My community here in Asheville has been working through life. And although I do have the occasional Sunday off, my church and faith life struggle.

So, yeah, I get worn out.

But on a Sunday that I did go to church, the pastor spoke on Mark 8 – the feeding of the four thousand.

Cool, I think. A story that I’ve heard hundreds of time. People follow Jesus, but have no food. The disciples react in their typical manner and Jesus miraculously provides. Done.

As the sermon went on, the pastor focused on something I hadn’t given much attention to before.

And his disciples answered him, “How can one feed these people with bread here in this desolate place?” And he asked them, “How many loaves do you have?” They said, “Seven.” – Mark 8:4-5

Jesus doesn’t admonish the disciples for their attitudes – although He could, considering a few chapters back Jesus fed five thousand…. But Jesus simply asks them, What do you have? He wants these brothers to bring whatever they have, whatever they can find and bring it to Him. That is what Jesus will use.

Maybe what else I write is obvious to some, but I needed the reminder. Maybe somebody else does, too.

It is very easy for me to believe that I don’t have much to offer. More often than not I find myself wondering what I’m doing with my life. There seems to be no real direction, no passion or hobby(s) that I actively pursue. My anxiety and my guilt steal much of my energy on a given day.

The pastor spoke to me that morning. “Some of you may feel like all you have to bring is the broken mess of sin and confusion. Jesus sees that, sees You and welcomes it. He doesn’t ask for a person put together. Jesus asks for you to bring what you have, and trust in His love and truths.”

It seems so simple, yet profound for me. Even again today as I type.

20180331_075231

I don’t have much to give right now. My blog may never be a consistent thing. There still isn’t a passion or hobby or issue grabbing my attention or heart. There is plenty of room for growth in my community, and even more in me.

But maybe, just maybe I can cling to these words, bring what I have today and trust.

Twenty-ninth

Posted on by kevzimm26

I’ve stumbled over how to start this post. And despite my hopes to make it a 2017 in review post, time has dragged on and so it is, instead, a look at all that happened during year number 29 for me. Typically, I would do this chronologically, but there are too many connected thoughts and ideas across the year…. so….

(hopefully you follow the chaos that is about to come)

  • Antioch Community – I stumbled into finding this church, and waffled around about whether or not to jump in with them. Eventually, I realized the goodness of God on Sundays, and maybe even more in my Life Group. I struggle to be fully present in community, even though I know it’s good, but these people knew (know) how to love and challenge well. Many songs, prayers (including some truth-speaking int my life and future), laughs and good conversations on life, faith and community.

lifegroup

  • Returned to monthly counseling, which transitioned to more life coaching. Still need to get better about voicing my opinions, and being okay with the messy present. (Progress is greater than perfection)
  • Working at RYSS – My job often had me frustrated at the school system or exhausted from substituting or laughing with my Latino coworkers and students. The stress of state testing, but the joy of seeing students “get it.”  My 3rd graders made leaving the school tough. They reminded me of the joy of learning, the desire to have an adult listen to their story or idea, the struggles of childhood. And I wrestled with whether or not I was supposed to move on from that school. Despite the amazing smiles and stories, something new would come for me.

20170516_130355_1494958378835

  • I realize, looking back, the importance of some consistency in reading and discussing Scripture. Whether it was reading through the Torah to get to perspective, or messaging about Proverbs or Colossians with friends far away, having that accountability and structure for reading is good. And it forced me to take time to think and ask questions about what I was reading.
  • My post-Mission Year community. What a blessing (that I didn’t always realize or acknowledge) to have other alum to live with after such an intense year. The consistency of my roommate and our conversations, drives and coffee. The joy in exploration and digging into issues with another teammate. The monthly alumni dinners we coordinated with another couple from our first year. Something that was happening, that I’m still trying to notice now, the simple goodness of “those little moments” that develop and solidify community, friendships.
  • After reading Your Other Brothers, I connected with their group of supporters. And while I was just expecting to give thoughts on future blogs or podcasts, I found myself quickly in the midst of the “Yobber” community.  Having a group of men to share the ups and downs of life with. And then I was invited to blog for them as well! This online (and sometimes in person) community has blown me away with the vulnerability and welcoming and engagement in tough conversations. Plus some good gifs.

22688587_747660096905_5887755933184769694_n

  • I had an open summer after quitting my job, and was introduced to the amazing organization, Love Fosters Hope. If you’re in the Houston area, check them out. Two weeks of my summer were then spent helping at their week long summer camps for children and youth in the foster care system. We ran and sang and encouraged and ate and laughed and played gaga ball and swam. The boys from my cabin the first week made me laugh so hard and confused me and broke my heart by the end of the week. To see their pain, to see their capacity to love and enjoy life in the midst of everything else that may be going on. Such incredible kids (and staff).
  • There were so. many. trips. this past year.  Started off visiting Arizona for the first time ever to surprise my friend.  Then Denver for a wedding. Spring break trip (with McKenzie) to visit Mission Year friends in Raleigh and make my first trip to the Jewel of the Blue Ridge.  With no work during the summer, I was able to take a longer vacation – Minnesota to visit CrossFire teammates and all the wonderful people I left when I moved, Kansas to be with family and meet my niece Amelia, and then Denver (again) to meet some of the authors of YOB.  Plus I got hangout in Boulder for a few days with McKenzie and her family. Made an uncharacteristically spontaneous decision to join some friends on the East Coast to watch the eclipse. And rounded out my travels with a long weekend in St Louis.
  • With the future somewhat uncertain, I tried to figure out life in Houston back in the Beulah house with a new mix of housemates (and two dogs).  There were lots of good conversations, great food, and confusion (for me) about where I should be living, what I should be doing. And just as I was getting close to a possible answer – Hurricane Harvey. So… got to experience a real hurricane and flooding with some great people, and witness neighbors and churches being authentic. But then it was on to the next journey.

floood

  • Asheville, NC – With little notice, two job interviews, but a place to live for up to a month, I said goodbye to Houston. Within a week, I had a job offer. The next two months would be a roller coaster. Waiting for the job to start, getting to know my friends in Asheville better, exploring the city, waiting as my start date continued to be pushed back, crazy adventures with Yobbers coming to visit – Clue movie night, bruppers, hiking Craggy Pinnacle, finding waterfalls, plenty of coffee and dancing. Finally moved into an apartment (and got a roommate) and then started working at Cambria hotel as a front desk agent.
  • As I re-read journal entries and blogs, I can’t help but see the over-arching idea of “directionless” through this year. Not enjoying my work at school, but not wanting to quit because I didn’t know what I would do next. Having community in Antioch, Beulah and Asheville, but always holding it at a distance – not sure how to be fully present or authentic. Jumping around during my summer to visit places I have been, wondering if it might give me ideas on a place or a next job. Yet, in the midst of all this confusion, there remains some sense of hope. Though I have often felt unsure of who I am, what my work is, or where I belong, I can look back an see the moments that friends and family were right. there. with. me.

So, while the next year remains pretty blank in terms of knowing what may happen, maybe I can take heart, learn a lesson from twenty-nine, and trust living as presently as I can to see this moment for what it is.

Books of 2017

Posted on by kevzimm26

The following are the books I read this year, and a quote (or two) from most of them.  Let me know if you want to discuss any of them in more detail, if you have suggestions for books for next year, or if you think I should post reviews/thoughts on books as I read them!

Between the World and Me – Ta Nehisi Coates

“So you must wake up every morning knowing that no promise is unbreakable, least of all the promise of waking up at all. This is not despair. These are the preferences of the universe itself: verbs over nouns, actions over states, struggle over hope.”

“You have been cast into a race in which the wind is always at your face an the hounds are always at your heels. And to varying degrees this is true of all life. The difference is that you  do have the privilege of living in ignorance of this essential fact.”

Torn – Justin Lee

“More and more, I felt like the gay people out there maybe weren’t so different from me. I was still a Christian and  I still stood for Christian values, but I was gay too. This polarizing language didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t seem very much like Jesus.”

Struggle Central – Thomas Zuniga

“I gradually opened up to others – other guys – and for the first time in my life, I found unhindered freedom to be me. To struggle and be okay with struggling, because everyone struggles and everyone exists to help everyone else”

Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Hinds’ Feet on High Places by Hannan Hurnard

“When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you.”

Let Your Life Speak – Parker Palmer

“But before we come to that center, full of light, we must travel in the dark. Darkness is not the whole of the story – every pilgrimage has passages of loveliness and joy – but it is the part of the story most often left untold.”

To Own a Dragon – Donald Miller

“I have a sense that wounds don’t heal until you feel them. What I mean is, I could lash out against the world for the rest of my life and nnerver stop to do the hard work of asking why I am angry or why I feel pain, then come to the difficult truth thtat the pain is there because I wanted to be loved, and I wasn’t… I wanted to be guided, but I wasn’t. And then, honestly, to feel whatever it is that hard truth created – to respond in the I needed to respond.”

Abba’s Child – Brennan Manning

“… the heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God’s love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life.”

Perks of Being a Wallflower – Stephen Chobsky

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit their and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”

Black, Red, White – Ted Dekker

“We love love because Elyon loves love. And we love to be loved because Elyon loves to be loved. In all these ways we are like Elyon. In one way or another, everything we do is tied to this unfolding story of love between us and Elyon.”

“The Great Romance is for you. If only one of you would have followed me, the heavens would not have been able to contain my cries of joy.”

Single, Gay, Christian – Gregory Coles

“When I allow myself to be known – when I tell the most baffling parts of my story to trusted friends and encounter their unconditional love in return – I begin to understand the love of God. A love that knows me fully. A love that, when I feel too weak to hold on to it, is strong enough to hold me instead.”

Green – Ted Dekker

“What was once obvious to them was no longer quite as obvious. Why was it that humans lost sight of truth so quickly?”

Into the Wild – Jon Krakauer

“…the very basic core of a mans living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon…”

“…how difficult it is for those of us preoccupied with the humdrum concerns of adulthood to recall how forcefully we were once buffeted by the passions of youth.”

From Scattered Ashes – Markus Garnett

“According to what I could gather … that Kingdom knows no racial boundaries, no language barriers, no timidity, no strangers, no greed, no isolation in the midst of community.”

A Wrinkle in Time – Madeline L’Engle

“If you aren’t unhappy sometimes you don’t know how to be happy.”

“You mean you’re comparing our lives to a sonnet? A strict form, but freedom within it? Yes. Mrs. Whatsit said. You’re given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.”

Pilgrim’s Progress – Paul Bunyan

“For to speak the truth, there are but few that care thus to spend their time, but choose rather to be speaking of things to no profit.”

“I have given Him my faith, and sworn my allegiance to Him; how, then, can I go back from this, and not be hanged as a traitor?”

 

the Next season

Posted on by kevzimm26

For many reasons and in many ways I’m an unsettled person.  It’s taken some time, but I can admit it now. Part of who I am wants to explore, move, meet new people, see new things.

Most of this summer was spent in a space of trying to be present in Houston, with the people around me – and feeling the call to go.  Every other time I’ve moved, there’s been a job or ministry that I knew I was headed into.  Not this time.

I spent time at a camp for teens in the foster care system. And I spent time with friends and family in Minnesota, Kansas and Colorado. Returning to Houston and looking for jobs left me confused.

20170731_120538

Great people to live with in community – but still feeling disconnected from the city.  Amazing small group at church (who, if it hasn’t been mentioned before was true community and welcomed me as one of their own, challenged & encouraged me more than I could have expected) – yet the physical distance left me feeling somewhat disengaged.

Not feeling at home where I currently was, I began looking elsewhere.  But where does one even begin?  I’m almost 30. Society tells me I should have some roots by now. (I don’t care too much about this, but the pressure is still felt).

As I had conversations, something that kept coming up was the idea of jumping.  As big as a move felt to me, with no strong ties anywhere, it is only a move.  If I were to go somewhere and hate it, I could leave after  6 months, a year.

So I talked and journaled and prayed. And applied to far too many jobs.  Eventually I landed a few potential interviews in the same area…. and I decided to jump.

And, the leap of faith looks like one that is moving me forward.

I have been in Asheville, North Carolina for less than a week. After four interviews, and one declined interview, I accepted a job as a front desk agent at a hotel.  I have some friends that I’m currently living with as I adjust to a new place.  How long will I be here? Do I have a church / community?

I don’t know.

But I’m trusting that this season will grow me, teach me, stretch me. Help me be more fully me.